One Hundred Ninety-Two

Whether gift or curse

I was brought to this world with something others don't have.

I have yet to learn how to use it

as of now it just comes naturally.

It's something that has occurred in various occasions.

It's starts at the pit of my stomach

and it rises all the way to the tip of my tongue.

When this happens,

I know something is not right.

I can't tell the future, I do not really know what's going to happen.

But when this feeling does occur.

I always know something is wrong.

Something out of the ordinary is about to happen.

It first happened when I found out my parents got divorced.

The whole day I felt sick, until my aunt came up to me and she told me my mom is no longer married to my father.

That tore me apart

Then a few years later, it happened again.

The news was I was going to be a big sister.

Not from both of my parents.

But just my dad's kid.

As time went by I forgot about this feeling.

I started my first long term relationship.

That knot in my stomach happened.

I knew I was going to loose my virginity.

Sounds lame, maybe unreal but I knew.

Then a few months later

to discover I was getting played.

I didn't have to look no further,

The tangles of my intestines just kept knotting.

Few days later, I read it on a myspace page.

Today I was working out,

I saw him all dressed up

I knew it.

I didn't have to ask but I just wanted to confirm.

I couldn't even reach my house without having the feeling to throw up.

I called and from there I had it.

The truth.

Not sensitive,

just thrown out flat.

Does he know he hurts me?

Does he know that the coldness just leaves me to pain?

When darkness turns to light,

it ends tonight.

This is the end.

No more wondering what will happen.

No more thinking he's the one.

His insensitive just broke the last piece of me.

And whoever reads this and thinks it's foul

He's foul for doing what he's doing to me.

He fed me lies, and I believed them.

Now only to throw me around like dirt.

Stupid me keeps asking if he hates me.

What kind of question is that?

He never loved.

When you love someone

you just don't treat them bad.

I have a picture for today but I just don't want to post it.

It's something happy.

Truth be told, I am not.

I'm torn.

I just never knew he would do me like that.

But not to worry.

I've learned bad, hurtful situations will constantly arise;

how we handle them is all that matters in the end.

So this is my happy photo.

My scholarship money.

Hopefully I save this money and use it for my national exam.

Today they told us everything is changing for our class.

From computer test

to radiographs

to full mouth probes

and

infection control

YAY

Can't wait for March.

My grumpy pants were just put on and I don't think I will be changing them in a while.

"You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there,
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done"

-Avril Lavigne

One Hundred Eighty-Two

Since I have better news I will write it on top of the depressing one.

I just got home and read the letter that notified me I won the scholarship I applied for a couple months back. I will be receiving the award/check next week Friday when I arrive at Orlando. I am so excited about this... Next week is going to be full of mixed emotions. I will be presenting my table clinic (which I haven't practice for). I will be receiving this check of $500. I will be going to Disney's theme parks, including Epcot which I've never been to. The people that I will be going with are the closest friends I've had in hygiene except for Jessica because her mom happens to get married the same weekend. It kind of sucks that I am not going to be a part of the wedding but she knows I would if I could. I'm really glad my mood is changing. I've had a sucky week. Thinking about a certain somebody that I know doesn't think of me anymore. I don't understand why on Earth I am getting the depressed symptoms now that it's been more than a month. I mean I've been pretty strong about it so why change now? I hope it was just a phase... maybe because I could be getting my monthly friend. Speaking of which, I haven't gotten her in a while and I missed my gyno appointment today. I'm telling you, I've been on a row this week. I'm just glad it's over and done with and now it's the weekend so I get to soak up and relax before the next one comes.

So I went to Olive Gardens with Leslie and Jessica today and I am still super duper stuffed from all the bread/salad/pasta!!! Oh the many carbs I devoured. Not to mention the margarita as well. Well the napkin in my chin was because every time I grabbed a spoonful of pasta, it never failed to drip on my chin lol. We couldn't stop cracking up. At least we worked out our abs from too much laughter. Any who I got back to Jessica's and started feeling stupid and blah....

"Well my diamond mean............

Ok I like diamonds and like I said it takes a diamond to cut another diamond meaning it needs something as strong as its self to bring it down to size I and I feel that I need someone just as strong as me to cut me down so am basically looking for another diamond

Make sanse?

Sense*"

***********

So to his definition, was I never his diamond?

Was I never as strong as him in order to share our lives together?

Is there a better diamond for his lifestyle?

Will there ever be one for me?

I don't want a new one...

I just want to finish cutting this one.

I was almost done and about to wear it as a shiny diamond ring on the finger next to the pinky that runs a vein directly to my heart.