Monday, October 5, 2009

One Hundred Ninety-Two

Whether gift or curse
I was brought to this world with something others don't have.
I have yet to learn how to use it
as of now it just comes naturally.
It's something that has occurred in various occasions.
It's starts at the pit of my stomach
and it rises all the way to the tip of my tongue.
When this happens,
I know something is not right.
I can't tell the future, I do not really know what's going to happen.
But when this feeling does occur.
I always know something is wrong.
Something out of the ordinary is about to happen.
It first happened when I found out my parents got divorced.
The whole day I felt sick, until my aunt came up to me and she told me my mom is no longer married to my father.
That tore me apart
Then a few years later, it happened again.
The news was I was going to be a big sister.
Not from both of my parents.
But just my dad's kid.
As time went by I forgot about this feeling.
I started my first long term relationship.
That knot in my stomach happened.
I knew I was going to loose my virginity.
Sounds lame, maybe unreal but I knew.
Then a few months later
to discover I was getting played.
I didn't have to look no further,
The tangles of my intestines just kept knotting.
Few days later, I read it on a myspace page.
Today I was working out,
I saw him all dressed up
I knew it.
I didn't have to ask but I just wanted to confirm.
I couldn't even reach my house without having the feeling to throw up.
I called and from there I had it.
The truth.
Not sensitive,
just thrown out flat.
Does he know he hurts me?
Does he know that the coldness just leaves me to pain?
When darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight.
This is the end.
No more wondering what will happen.
No more thinking he's the one.
His insensitive just broke the last piece of me.
And whoever reads this and thinks it's foul
He's foul for doing what he's doing to me.
He fed me lies, and I believed them.
Now only to throw me around like dirt.
Stupid me keeps asking if he hates me.
What kind of question is that?
He never loved.
When you love someone
you just don't treat them bad.
I have a picture for today but I just don't want to post it.
It's something happy.
Truth be told, I am not.
I'm torn.
I just never knew he would do me like that.
But not to worry.
I've learned bad, hurtful situations will constantly arise;
how we handle them is all that matters in the end.

So this is my happy photo.
My scholarship money.
Hopefully I save this money and use it for my national exam.
Today they told us everything is changing for our class.
From computer test
to radiographs
to full mouth probes
infection control
Can't wait for March.
My grumpy pants were just put on and I don't think I will be changing them in a while.

"You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there,
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done"
-Avril Lavigne

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